Yeah, Pretty long hashtag there. This post may be triggering to some people so please click off if this is the case. This isn't usually a post I'd write I mean I enjoy reading these types of posts I just thought it'd be a bit much for me to handle but I saw this tag on twitter and so much came rushing to my mind that I just wanted to get out and I thought this may help someone. This isn't usually day I'd post but I didn't want to wait because this then may not make sense, also if you're going through the same things and you need a chat feel free to tweet me or DM me on Twitter, I may not be very helpful but I'll listen. So here are some things I need to tell 15 year old me.

1- It's anxiety you're experiencing, trust me I know you're shit scared (sorry about the language). I know you think you're insane, you're a disappointment and that you've let everyone down but that's because that's what your mums ex who was basically the devil put in your head; fuck him (again, sorry). He doesn't mean anything and In a few years you wont be scared of him you'll hold your head high when you see him and he'll be the one to cower away, believe me.

2- Soon your mums ex who made your life hell is going to take away your little brother and sister who are your whole world. You're going to feel like you've been in a car crash or something... Everything just stays still, mum hardly ever gets out of bed but you'll bond in this time you'll get closer and then you'll fight  your battle. You'll get your little siblings back and they'll continue to annoy the hell out of you but you'll love them unconditionally.

3- In a couple of years your anxiety will get worse, you're still not sure what it is but it is anxiety. You wont be able to sleep at night because you're stuck in that horrible house where all the bad things happened, your brain will trick you into thinking people are breaking in all the time and you'll hardly turn up for school, Your teachers and friends will joke about how you never turn up without knowing; don't hold a grudge your friends love you and if they had any idea they'd help you so much. your attendance will drop under 50% and you'll be removed from your A level courses and you're going to feel like you just threw away your whole life. You're going to mentally torture yourself "if only I turned up". You're going to act like you don't care to stop everyone worrying (why did you do that again?) talk to someone, get help before it escalates and you start hurting yourself.

4- Your friends are going off to colleges and doing their second year and you're going to apply for the college. . Don't apply for health and social you're going to hate it. I know that's the only course where you know someone and even though you had some pretty good times with your friends after but inevitably you're going to drop it anyway. You're going to go to the doctors; have a panic attack in the waiting room and they're going to tell you that you have anxiety and try and give you tablets; you probobaly should have taken them.

5- You're hardly going to see your friends, your never going to leave your bed apart form getting food where you'll just go back to bed after. You're hardly going to leave the house without having a panic attack; all your triggers are going to hit you hard. You're going to meet a guy and he's going to be your best friend, You know nothing's ever going to happen c'mon he lives over 300 + miles away so you don't say anything, you're going to really like him and he's going to help you get back to yourself, stop hurting yourself, get out of bed and actually speak to people. You're going to watch him in relationships and be hella jealous but you're just friends right so why are you bothered?.

6- Wrong. He likes you too and that's why he didn't want that other girl. You're going to feel like all your Christmases have come at once. You're going to skype every night and he'll stay up for you until you fall asleep to "make sure no ones in the house". You'll meet him In a few months and he'll be perfect but you've got an issue, he finishes work for the winter soon and you're barely going to see each other for like 6 months. Screw it, you hate your home town and you always saw yourself growing old somewhere else anyway. You'll make the decision to move 300 miles away (crazy, right?). You've never made a better decision in your life.

7- After living with his lovely family who have let you stay in their homes you're going to find a little place. It's not going to be perfect and you'll have a few problems but inevitably you're going to look out to the river every morning with a cup of tea on your balcony and feel like the luckiest person ever. You're little kitten is going to cuddle up to you whenever she gets chance and you're going to be happy. For once in your shitty life you'll be happy.

8- Keep your head held high, don't hate yourself or hurt yourself because your life is amazing now.

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